


Children of the Apocalypse

by Kamikaze2007



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babies, F/M, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikaze2007/pseuds/Kamikaze2007
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Dave, Karkat, and Tavros decide to spend December twenty-first going out with a bang.  Unfortunately, the planet stays intact and they struggle to deal with the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Children of the Apocalypse

The sun rose.  Time telling devices around the world displayed those fateful words: December twenty-first, 2012.  This was the day people around the globe had been preparing for for years, and how did Dave Strider, John Egbert, Karkat Vantas and Tavros Nitram spend it?  Fucking their girlfriends like rabbits of course.  If this was going to be their last day on Earth, they were going to go out with a bang.  So all four men took the day off work and spent it in bed having wild, unprotected, kinky sex until the sun went down.  To their astonishment and slight dismay, they woke up the morning of the twenty-second to a world that was no different from that same day last year.  Karkat and John instantly felt remorse and imagined all the terrible repercussions their actions the previous night could have, Dave shrugged it off and went back to sleep, and Tavros cried because he skipped work and kept Vriska up all night for nothing. 

A few months later, the four men would learn that their actions that night did indeed have dire consequences.  All four of their girlfriends had been impregnated that night and none of them showed any willingness to get rid of their future children.  Once they learned the news, the four guys got together to hang out and discuss this turn of events.

“Rose told me to use protection just in case,” John said over and over, “but no I didn’t listen because I thought the fucking world was ending.”

“I wish Vriska had pressured me into wearing protection,” Tavros muttered, “then I wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“I don’t care, I just don’t want to raise a kid,” Dave shrugged.

Karkat rolled his eyes.  “Will you pussies stop whining?  At this rate, your children will have to raise  _you_  before they’re out of the womb.”

“Says you,” John shot back.  “You and Nepeta have wanted a baby for years.  I’m not ready for children!”

“Me neither,” Tavros agreed.

“Terezi’s nowhere near ready,” Dave said.

“Whatever,” Karkat finally said shaking his head.  “You have these next few months, so use them to prepare your sorry asses for child raising.”  After receiving this sage advice, what did John, Dave and Tavros proceed to do?

The exact opposite of what Karkat demanded.

A few months and a get-together passed before Karkat asked them about their lack of progress.  All three of his friends owned up to doing absolutely nothing in the way of learning to be a dad.  “I’ve had to deal with Vriska’s mood swings constantly” was Tavros’ excuse.  John insisted that Rose has never let up on pestering him to set up a room for the child.  Dave said he was just too lazy to do anything about it. 

“Okay, how about this,” Karkat sighed, “Think of a name.  You know what gender the babies are gonna be now, right?”  After a collective nod, he continued.  “Think of a name to go with if one doesn’t pop into your head the second you’re holding the little ball of simultaneous sunshine and misery.  Then, for the love of god please buy some fucking parenting books.”

“Rose has a million of those, so I can let you guys borrow them,” John offered.

“ _Thank_  you,” Karkat said. 

But of course, before anything got done, the three spent yet another month thinking of names and nothing else.  John, who was tasked with naming a boy instantly came up with the name Cameron, after one of his favorite movie heroes.  Tavros had to name a girl, so he begrudgingly came up with the preliminary name of Wendy, because it is generally frowned upon to name a girl after Rufio or Dante Basco.  Dave, who also had to name a girl, came up with the name Chlamydia.

“You can’t name your child Chlamydia,” Karkat said.

“Why the hell not?” Dave demanded, “It’s a beautiful name.”

“Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease you dingus!” 

“Oh yeah?  Why don’t you tell us your name before you judge ours?”

“Not ours, yours,” Tavros corrected.

“Thank you Tavros.  Anyway, Nepeta wanted to name it Kitten but I vetoed that because you don’t name a person Kitten under any circumstances.  My cousin wanted me to name her Kankri after him but that’s not a very good girl name so I’ll probably smush them together.  Kitkri?  Kankit, maybe.  That one sounds good.”

“I’m bored now,” Dave said, “I’m gonna go hang out with Terezi and Chlamydia.”  After saying this, he got up to leave.

“Terezi will never agree to that,” Karkat shouted after him. 

Terezi, in a seemingly permanent lack of judgment, agreed to name their child Chlamydia.

* * *

September was a long month for these four men.  Their girlfriends all gave birth to their children over the course of two weeks and everybody agreed to name this group of four kids the children of the apocalypse.  Luckily for his child, Dave was convinced at the last minute that Chlamydia was a terrible name and finally settled on naming his bundle of joy after his sister, Rose.  Rose, Wendy, Cameron, and Kankit grew up to be the best of friends.

Whether they wanted to be or not. 


End file.
